GROWING PAINS..............

I think the most lacking resource in today’s time that is being glaringly overlooked is….
MATURITY.

According to the Oxford dictionary, maturity is defined as “the quality of thinking and behaving in a sensible, adult manner”.

Now how many times have you seen a parent and a child and wondered who is who in the equation??

Have you ever tried to have a discussion with someone where you have opposing views and it disintegrates into a knee-jerk personal attack that leaves you wondering what just happened??

Or have you ever taken a moment to observe most people and realize their actions, thoughts, words, reactions to situations remarkably mimic that of a toddler??

How many times have you secretly thought of telling someone (or for others have actually done it!):
Shut up and Grow up.
Not out of anger or frustration, but for the real intent of those exact words.

Fully functional, non-"special", supposed-adults behaving like children.
All around us.
Day in Day out.
And yet, no one really sees it as a problem of epic proportions.
A problem that is actually at the root of many many many of our society’s dysfunctional state today.
Because we are so scared of hurting the other person’s feelings.
Like they will wither away into dust if they get a good dose of the truth.
Because we are living in a time where we are so consumed with FEELINGS as opposed to THINKING once in a while.

I always find it amazing that people need constant reminding of the following:

Not everyone will like you.
Just as you don’t like everyone you’ve ever met, they have a choice whether or not to like you.
Some people gel instantly, others take some time, and some people don’t gel at all.
Move on.


Not everyone will agree with you.
Just as you feel entitled to have an opinion, so do others have that right too.
And it’s not the end of the world if someone does not agree with you or see your point of view.
You do not have to get into a hissy fit, stomp your feet, throw personal attacks at the other person.
It does not make you right.
It does not make you a better person.
You have not won.


Yes, life is not fair.
And no, you do not live in a Prince/Princess world where everything will happen to your exact specifications, at your whim and you will live happily ever after.
Life is hard.
But through the struggle at navigating it, there is much joy, peace, laughter, love, exhilarating excitement and contentment.
Your greatest attribute to acquire would be adaptation.
Because the only things certain in this life are constant change and your mortality.
Deal with it.


No you did not just “fall in love”.
And it didn't JUST happen.
You were attracted to a person.
You CHOSE to then be with that person and foster more intimate feelings with that person. Spend more time, open up your life to them, and let them into your head and heart.
You DID have a moment of choice.
Your life is not a Disney movie.
Stop kidding yourself.


Yes, you are to blame.
Not everything in the world is someone else’s fault.
You make decisions.
You make dumb decisions.
Sometimes repeatedly, because of your constant denial to take personal responsibility.
You can point the fingers at everyone else, but you need to wake up, smell the coffee, and take stock of your life.
You have to live with the consequences.
Accept it.


My words may seem harsh right now, since most people are not used to others being direct with them and many will take it as a personal attack as opposed to what it is, some well-meaning and much needed advice.
But, you will save yourself and others around you a lot of mental, emotional, and sometimes physical turmoil if you just indeed truly grow up.
 

 

Reflections..........

As much I analyze and over-analyze other people and situations………
I do the same to myself.
I am not spared my own medicine :-)
And there’s an experience that I would really like to exhale from.

It’s been 2 years since I left the Middle East.
Two years since I left Saudi Arabia.
I actually need to pause and collect my thoughts……………………

I think anyone who knew me at that time, probably knew how miserable I was :-)
I certainly didn’t hide it…
I’m not one to bottle up things anymore.
I did it for around 20 years of my life and it literally made me ill, and I said never again.
What you see, is what you get.
Always.

About Saudi……….
I still remember the day I left.
I felt like a bird being released from a cage. I actually wept with joy on the plane.
It’s not my home.
It’s not my country.
I do not have any family there.
But…………
I am a Muslim.
And 2 out of 3 of the significant places within the history of my faith currently fall within the boundaries of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (the 3rd being Jerusalem).
And for that reason, I feel like I am somehow connected to it.

I certainly have to go back (God Willing) to perform the pilgrimage to Makkah, and for that I am starting to mentally prepare myself.
Living there was something else…
You see, Muslims round the world romanticize Saudi………..
From the religious aspect.
The cities of Makkah and Madinah ARE special.
You feel it in the air.
No one who has ever been there can deny that.

However, beyond that……..we have another thing coming.
And as Muslims we convince ourselves that since it’s our “holy place”, the people will also be ‘Holy’.
The Temperament, Mood, Culture, Mannerisims, Interactions…You name it….We will all be living breathing waking sleeping Islam.
We’ll all love each other like some members of a big commune.
After all, we are all brothers and sisters in the faith.
The teachings of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)…..…Equality, Justice, Kindness, Good manners, Fairness, Peace, Love, Gentleness…..will be pouring out of every street corner.

Rude awakening.

I was angry.
I was disappointed.
I was disgusted.
I felt betrayed.
I was hurt.
I was angry.

To say it was a culture shock would be an understatement.
I was terribly naive and very ill equipped to deal with the system of things there.
It became very apparent to me that I had not previously truly encountered racism, sexism or xenophobia…
And that I had NO coping mechanisms within me for any of those.
So for all of those to come at me at one time………………
Was a bit too much to take.
For a person who is very independent (physically, mentally and financially), fiercely opinionated, and passionately driven career-wise…………
It was a bit too much to take….especially when everyone and everything is set up to make you fit into a tiny little unpretty box.
Conformity has never been a strong point in me.
And certainly their version of what a Black. African. Woman. should be....
Was not me.
And I got maddeningly angrier with other Muslims for telling me that my feelings were unwarranted.
That I shouldn't air them.
That THEY felt betrayed.
That I was giving our "holy place" a bad name.
And so the vicious cycle began and grew.
The bubble had burst with the loudest bang.

Saudi is a country like anywhere else.
With good people…and bad people.
With a corrupt system of things…….
And wayward people…
Just as there are also honest, kind and hard working ones trying to make the best of things and just keep afloat.
And that’s just the thing………..It’s a country just like any other.
It’s not some magical place.
Where no evil exists.
And where Islam is being practiced to its full measure.
That is a facade.
Because at the end of the day, it’s full of human beings, run by human beings and therefore just as easy to fall to folly as anywhere else.
The faith is perfect.
The people claiming to follow the faith are not.

This is not a Saudi-bashing piece.
But personally for me, it’s something I have had to process.
My husband fully believes that I went through some measure of post-traumatic stress disorder due to living there.
And I agree.
And because of all of that, it made me even angrier when fellow Muslims would try to invalidate my experience and feelings.
But none of them sought to understand what it meant and felt to be put in the Black. African. Woman. box.
I’ve had to work on it believe me.
To reconcile my experience there.
As well as process and forgive other fellow Muslims for perpetrating the mirage and try and invalidate the negatives that many experience while there.

When I left there………
I didn’t even want to hear the Arabic language being spoken.
It made me want to literally hurl.
And I’m not exaggerating.
My mood would instantly change……..And I’d get angry with no prompting whatsoever…..
And for a Muslim, that’s deep……because My Holy Book is in Arabic.
The Prophet I love and whose teachings I try to emulate on a daily basis…spoke Arabic.
I will always be connected to the language.

Today at the mosque, an older Arab lady started a conversation with me.
And her English was limited.
We joked a little bit.
Her in her broken English.
Me in my broken Arabic.
And as we laughed, it made me realize.
I am no longer angry :-)

I am a person of faith, and so I do not believe in pure coincidences.
I do not regret making the decision to go there.
It was a learning experience.
One that I required, for whatever reason the Good Lord saw fit.
And so, I know it for what it is.
And I am no longer living in that bubble.
No or low expectations means No disappointments.

Time to move on from that Suburban Barbie :-)
E.x.h.a.l.e.

Black and White...

 I think one of the hardest things to grasp and accept for many people is that things will never be black and white….
As much as we’d like them to me.
But there are SOME things that can be within our control and remain in that black/white zone we so crave.

I think it’s no secret that human beings are social creatures.
Some more than others…..

My longest and dearest friend has been a part of my life for 16 years now. 

16 years.
This is someone who has literally witnessed my life….
Through teenage-hood to adulthood.
From girl to woman….
From school days to career….
From living a few streets away to continents apart…..
From disappointing boyfriends to wonderful husband….
From sorrow to joy…..

Regardless of where we are physically in this world…
Or not having a proper verbal conversation for weeks on end…
We are still connected. 

It’s like time always just goes on pause…….And goes right on unpause the very next time we talk, or meet, or chat, or email….

I always marvel at our friendship.

What a blessing. 

And others with whom…….It’s so easy to just pick up where you left off 5 years ago!
The ones who the connection always remains…

And then the ones who were there day and night for a hot minute…..
But a hot minute only.

What makes the difference?
There are always these sayings that some people are in your life for just a season and others for a lifetime.
But I have always wondered why?
And I’m not talking about acquiaintances here. 

I mean, real friendships…

Where you shared things with this person and totally connected…

Where they appeared to actually care for you...
And then they just walk away….
Like it all meant nothing.

Or is it that they just don’t bother to put in the effort to sustain the friendship….

But then that’s just it isn’t it?
Don’t bother to put in the effort.

With every relationship……..

Be it friendship…..

Marriage…..

Even relatives and family members……
There has to be that COMMITMENT to sustain the relationship. 

We have no guarantees that a friendship will last decades….
Or that a marriage will last a lifetime….
Or that family members will always be present to love and support you through things…..
We have no guarantees about ANYTHING really….
Other than our own deaths.

Eerything else is just grey.

 

However what IS black and white is the presence or absence of commitment towards a friendship or any relationship for that matter.
How do I truly say that this individual has been a good friend….?
Because they have always been there….
Through the good the bad the ugly….
They have been there…
And why were they there?
Simple………….

They made a commitment to honor the friendship.

Once that commitment is lacking………….If it was there at all in the first place… 

Anything else is truly just doomed.
Because at the first sign of trouble or dissention…
People will take off and you will be alone.
And then wonder why.

To be honest… 

I’d rather have 2-3 people with the commitment to be a true friend….
As opposed to a gang of flaky people masquerading as friends only for the good times.

L.O.V.E.

 So the maternal instinct has finally kicked in…..
And I finally can say it out loud. :-)

But not to mad enough levels to want to subject my husband to an insatiable wife (I don't think he would mind one bit though!).
But mad enough to simply want to kidnap my nephew and run away with him somewhere…….
Forever.

My sister should be mightily worried with this piece of information.

The last 8 months have been a total and complete joy because of this one little individual.
This one little boy who has stolen my heart.

The day my sister went into labour...
I didn’t sleep.
I hardly did any work that day.
I didn’t even cook dinner.

I think I didn't even eat that entire day for that matter!
My phone was never so overworked….
Thank God for 21st century technology, because somehow being ‘present’ during that time, despite being thousands of miles away, was only made possible via today's technology…..

The moment he arrived, both my mother and I were like screaming lunatics.
My sleeping husband was of course woken up.
It was 6am Eastern Standard Time.

I remember a couple of years ago when the singer Beyonce was gushing when her sister had a baby.

And nobody was paying any mind to her utter joy at being an aunt.
Now, I totally understand.

Everyday that I wake up, the first that makes me smile in the morning is seeing his picture….
Or watching one of the multitude of videos I have of him…..courtesy of his very obliging mother….
Or if time allows, simply getting on Skye and watching him go about his day, which merely consists of sleeping, playing, eating, whatever…….It doesn't matter!

The last year couldn’t have ended in a more perfect way. 

I finally got to have him in my arms.
There was an instant connection.
He is a part of me so intimately, just as my sister is a huge part of me……
Words cannot explain it.
I was ready to go all Mama Bear on anyone and anything…..
Suddenly all those sentiments of being able to take a bullet for somebody…
Bruno Mars ready to stand in front of a train out of love….
Or simply the Twilight expression summed it all up……as corny as it sounds…
I imprinted.

Many people would wonder as to how close an Aunt-Nephew relationship can be...
But from my culture, it definitely has a special place.

Such that for him, I am not just an aunt.
I am like his older Mother.

As one of my friends asked me when he was born, if I would go all 'Western' and have him call my Auntie? Or would I stick to my East African roots and let him call me 'Mama Mkubwa', which translates as Big Mother.

I think you can pretty much figure out which one I picked. :-)

And if I feel this way…
I have no clue what my sister feels.
It must be THE most intimate connection two human beings can have.
Mother and Child.

I get it now.

Time to call MY Mommy!:-)

At All Times..................

For whatever reason it may be………(and I totally never mind at all)……people feel comfortable talking to me about their personal problems…
Life situations…
Ups and downs…
Hypothetical scenarios…
And their what-if moments in life.

And I say I don’t mind……………because I truly don’t.
Sometimes I think maybe it was the medical training…
Where you are made attuned to connect with people…

To try and help them…
To not only treat the specific disease entity……we were constantly reminded….
But to treat the person as a whole.

I suppose it did foster a listening talent.

My husband credits it to my ability to cut to the chase and just give the person an unbiased opinion of the situation at hand.
Once again, probably the fruits of medical school boot-camp training.
 

I’ve never really seen this as a true asset however.

It worked in the professional arena, but on the personal fore-front....

Another story altogether.

Most people in my opinion……….
Are not ready to hear what I have to say. 

Or cannot stand how direct I am in those moments……(I secretly believe so)
Do not truly want advice and rather just want someone to hear them out. 

Or despite having a discussion where they fervently agree with the pros regarding the situation, will still go ahead anyway and do exactly as they please…….

So it always surprised me when they would come back. 

For more discussion……….attempts at finding solutions.

And sometimes I do wonder…….
So what’s the point??
Because this person clearly does NOT want a solution.

Haven’t we all had a situation like that???
 

Or the ones who later give you the silent treatment…
Or avoid you altogether!

In the past, I used to get quite emotional about it all.
But I’ve learnt to just let go.
After all, whether they take my advice or not, it’s not my life and I’m not the one who has to live with the decision.
It does not impact me directly.

So I’ve learnt to disengage……thankfully.
I suppose it goes with that part they call growing up.

However, as human beings………..since we are the masters of ASSumption….
I think most times people later feel embarrassed at their decisions or actions…. 

And assume things would be awkward…
Because they didn’t do as you suggested… 

And perhaps feel that they would be judged on that.

And heck yes, they would be judged.

We all are.......constantly.
It’s normal to have an opinion based on the actions we have undertaken.
One cannot expect others not to have an opinion about them...come to a conclusion regarding their words and actions...or face no opposition at any point in regards to their choices...

And join the DON'T JUDGE ME brigade.... 

That is just plain unrealistic and juvenile.

It surprises and saddens me how people are willing to burn bridges...
And break relationships...
Because they will not let their ego go down a notch and admit they might have been wrong...

Or it was indeed a bad decision and hence a bad outcome....

We get so concerned with preserving this fault-less image......this perfect persona of ourselves....

That we do not realize how much it costs us in personal relationships.
Be they friendships....or family connections.

Sad...

And wasteful.

Wasteful of time, energy, emotion and brain space.

However, I think people can learn how to COMMUNICATE to those close to them and help them understand their choices, 

Their concerns, 

Fears, 

Reasons, 

Uncertainities. 

And how much the other persons support would be essential to it all.
 

I had a wonderful long conversation with someone close to me recently…..which made it all finally click…
At the end of which she said, “Whatever I choose, I want you to understand my choice, and I need you by my side to see it through whichever way the dice falls, regardless of whether you think I’m being totally stupid at this moment or not.”
 

Her words had a lot of power.

And I totally appreciated the honesty.

I LOVE dealing with ADULTS.

 

Which is the crux of it all, isn’t it?
Because everything I have just said means little if nothing at all, if we cannot be honest with ourselves first and those around us………
At all times.

The Ice Princess.............

I’ve always admired figure skating.

As a young child ice skating was in the same category as Disney World characters.
Since it was not available to me in the real tangible sense, the allure made it all the more intense.
What would it feel like to glide over ice on skates?
It looked so graceful….
So intricate…..
The dazzling sexy costumes the female skaters would wear……
The lifts…
The turns….
The precision.....
All those seemingly impossible maneuvers.

Fantasy upon fantasy built up in my head.

I used to WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT for the figure skating championships every Olympics!
Did 4 years always have to take soooooooooo long to come?
It was also the one and only reason why I would ever venture to watch the Winter Olympics (which for some reason Canada seems to always be geared up for!)

I would imagine skating with my prince charming.
Totally corny right? :-)
 

But as human beings, we always want what we cannot have.
And since ice skating was something I couldn’t have as a child growing up in a tropical African country (a few decades ago), it just remained one of those magical things.

As I grew older, and as my phobia (irrational fear, I know, I know…….) for falling grew more intense…
My fantasy of ice skating kinda waned……...err NOT.
But I just KNEW it was one of those things I simply could not do.
Because…..
I was too scared to fall!
 

Remember I said irrational fear….
I know…
Le sigh.

 

I did try it once however.
I always say try something at least once……..
And I was one of those people who just cannot let go of the side railings.
As little kids barely out of their diapers were zooming all over the place on those slits they call skates, I was the desperado clutching at the side rails….
You know…..
The ones EVERY skating rink has!
What a total waste of time and money.

So since this became THE one thing that I know I cannot do, rather than mourn my ineptitude, the fantasy of it just kept on growing in my head. 

Enter in serious applause for Skating with the Stars TV program! :-)
I was probably one of the few nuts who gave it time of day.
 

Lord knows if it will even have a 2^ND season.
Hubby just used to shake his head and leave the room…………………
Exit the fantasy of skating with Prince Charming.

 

 

Last week sitting in the middle of a snow storm somewhere in the Mid-West, waiting for my flight home, new thoughts started off somewhere in my brain.
On the way to the airport, I had to stop and fill up the rental car with petrol (aka gas).
Thankfully I remembered to carry my gloves, because it was so bitterly cold, the temperatures just brought sheer pain to my hands in a matter of seconds.
As I was sitting in the airport trying to get some feeling back into my hands, I glanced over to the man who was a few feet away from me….reading a newspaper….
He flipped over the page, and there was this picture of a figure skater.

Light bulb went off in my head.
Wow, people are thinking of skating in this cold?!
I suppose though, it IS the season for that kinda thing isn’t it…..??
Cold = Ice = COLD!

And just like that……………..
The fantasy has died!
You would think, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (nor a medical doctor apparently) to figure that out right?
But I just NEVER thought about it in that context….
These guys are constantly out on ICE.
Constantly surrounded by COLD.
I mean, even ice rinks are freakishly COLD…….OF COURSE because of the ICE.
I don’t even know why people go to them.

End of fantasy.

Yeah, I have my retarded moments.
And this is one MAJOR one. Hahahahaha……
Believe me, I always shock myself that I was trained to make life-changing decisions for people and perform surgery, yet the most simple and most basic ideas just seem to elude me, up until…………
Moments like this! :-)

Just never REALLY thought about it before you know………..

And so now I don’t feel horribly terrible that I cannot ice skate…..
I wouldn’t want to spend all that time in the cold anyway!
HA!