Live to Die Another Day......

It is really concerning to read about the new-age consequences of bullying in the media nowadays....
And especially here in Ohio....where there have been a number of reported cases where teenagers have taken matters into their own hands, and actually taken their lives in a bid to permanently end the suffering they were enduring...
My heart goes out to these kids, and their families.....

It is interesting to note however, that bullying is as old as time i think.....
Somehow, somewhere, in some form, a human being feels the need to torment....to put down....to minimize the existence of another human being.....
As children....and as usually portrayed on TV.....happens most usually within schools....amongst their peers...
Whether it be for gaining services like help with homework....or taking one's lunch money....taking one's possessions.....or just for the pure "fun" of it all......
The stereotype  is that of a big boned child, looking down upon a smaller built individual, and making use of the size advantage to overcome the other smaller usually nerd-type persona....
We all assume that people grow out of it.
That it's a childhood phenomena.
that people mature, and overcome these tendencies....
Not so correct.

As with current new-age childhood bullying, most of it now is escalated because you have the power of technology to now taunt and torment others....
This is the face of new-age bullying.
And it transcends children.

As adults, we rarely refer to it as bullying, because mentally we have been so conditioned to attribute it to something that may have occurred in the context of school and peers and a certain age.
In adulthood however, we call them haters.

What people don't realize is, haters are just adult bullies.
I was thinking, and have made a mental note of this on several occasions.........That when having a discussion or debate with someone, once they reach an intellectual stumbling block, or run out of ideas to justify their point, why is it, (and this happens 95% of the time), that these people then quickly resort to personal attacks as a means of tearing the other person down and hence in their mind create a false sense of winning???

Or people who will just randomly pick on you..........say things about you (without actually spending time to get to really know you)....form biased opinions.....and just perpetuate the most ludicrous things regarding a person, that are more often that not, false....
We call them haters right??

Have you every thought of that in the context of adult bullying??
If you don't agree with them, then there's something wrong with you....A difference of opinion is a totally foreign matter to these lot.
How many people out there have you come into contact with who fall in this bracket??..
Most time, these kind of personalities run in packs......and their opinions are the conclusions of a group effect...rarely do you find them so confident on a singular basis.....especially face-to-face....
And as with teenagers, today's time affords the safety of sitting behind a computer screen while lashing out at someone...but not having the balls to ever face that person individually and say the same thing upfront.....

These kind of people interest me....
When one spends a bit of time analyzing these personalities, you quickly understand that these are people with major personal insecurities...and it works best to project their insecurities plus a few prejudices here and there, onto their object of choice....
Their lives amount to little....and their personal achievements in whatever capacity amounts to little.....
This frustration and deep melancholy they have for themselves, they project onto another....
The only way they can make themselves feel better......feel worthwhile....is to tear another person down....
Stomp on another person, so they can come out on top.

It really is a problem prevalent in society.
But once you understand that the underlying issue is not really you, but their own personal dissatisfaction with themselves...then you can truly feel sorry for their unhappy existence.
It's a shame though that they have to exist, and that there are soooooooo many of them all around us.
Plus its a further shame for them because sometimes their object of attack may not have that same self-doubt and self-hate that they have internalized, so that their attacks really have no effect and are profoundly FUTILE.
Psychologists and psychiatrists call it a phenomenon of transference and projection.
Recognise it for what it is...and get some help!

Twinkling Toes.....

So I'm here sitting and admiring my feet.......
YUP, you read right.......hahahaha....MY FEET:-)

I think it's no surprise to anyone that I'm a really girly-girl:-) And I thoroughly love being one.
But some things I think transcend from the girly-girl, to every woman out there....

I still remember my very first Spa pedicure. WOW, it was HEAVEN.....I didn't want it to end, and the foot massage was beyond words......I felt like I was walking on clouds after that:-)
That quickly became a permanent fixture in my calender of things thereafter.
But then as is human habit, you quickly become accustomed to certain things, and when they are no longer available, it becomes one hell of a challenge.
Lack of a pedicure wouldn't kill anyone certainly......But it sure did dampen my spirits when I moved continents.
All of the things that had become ritualistic from me, were suddenly just not available...........like a rug just pulled out from under me....It was disorienting.
No waxing, No manicures, No facials, No eyebrow threading, No massages...........And no spa pedicures!
Sigh......
My little luxuries all taken away from me.
The spirit of Suburban Barbie was severely challenged.

I fought very hard to stop my feet from turning into ghastly hobbit-looking imitations.....To keep the cracks and roughness off the soles......To constantly keep the nails in check.......
I failed miserably.
I think the environment was just not conducive to my lifestyle. LOLLLL.

Many times I have spoken to other ladies about this....Some agree with me that it is indeed an ESSENTIAL service, while others don't think it's that serious....While a whole other group have never tried it and have never even given it a second thought...And it remains an alien concept altogether for them.
The second group I have no problems with, because they would occasionally indulge in such like activities....But the last group baffles me completely.
Sometimes I wish I could drag all the women who are in that group and pay for ALL of them to have the experience and then see.
Especially some of them when you look at their hands and feet!
Have you ever seen a woman dressed up to the nines....Got everything in check...hair, make-up, dress, purse....even some really pretty shoes on....Then you see the ghastly feet in them.....chapped, cracks....and you just want to concentrate on keeping your composure........
It just does not look nice ladies.
And believe me, it does not go unnoticed either!

I think many of us underplay grooming...............And then we wonder how the people we watch on TV or magazines, get to look the way they do......Well, certainly not from the lack of primping and priming trust me!

As a Muslim, especially, I consider all grooming services an absolute essential.
Taking from the example of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) who was very attentive to his clothes, his body odour, that his hair was well combed, and that his breathe was always pleasant. The brother really took the time out to keep himself in tip-top shape. And in Islam we are frequently reminded about cleanliness and grooming, for ourselves, as well as being in this pleasing state for others around us, and especially our spouses.
So I'm pretty happy that my hubby thoroughly appreciates Suburban Barbie, and doesn't think I'm ridiculous for paying attention to all these things. And I am very grateful that he is not a caveman!...
I think ALL men though, would love their women to be that way.........Some women may argue contrary to this.......But seriously, go ahead and talk to some men...Not your spouse, but male relatives or friends you may have........You'll find out I'm not far from the truth......They may just not verbalise that to their wives for fear of hurting their feelings..........But that doesn't change the truth.

My husband thinks I should start an image consulting and grooming school for young ladies......Or perhaps, for an untapped population, Muslim women in particular.
That's still in contemplation in my head..................
Maybe one day.....

But I am wholly grateful to that star who trained me to be an absolute lady......To embrace myself....And to completely enjoy my femininity at all times....
My Mother.:-) The Queen Bee herself.
So I'll just sit here and continue smiling at my feet.....
That I have them back in the shape and condition worthy of a lady!:-))

Laugh Out Loud

A few years ago, I saw this piece on TV about laughing clubs in India....and how these groups of people would congregate and just laugh away....Apparently it was meant to be a stress reliever...a way to live a healthier life.....or something.
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh, we would all want to be laughing everyday right??
But how do you just start laughing at nothing??? LOLLLL (at that thought:-))
Seems ridiculous doesn't it?......That's what I thought then......
I mean, even though my Grandfather came from there, sometimes Indians can be strange....hahahaha....That's what I thought and dismissed the notion altogether.
But do you know there are now laughing clubs of America?! hmmmmmm......!!

Today was one of those days..........No no...Don't be mistaken....One of THOSE days...
I woke up, and didn't want to be awake! Aaaarghh!
The sound of my better half singing away in joy that it was morning made me want to throttle him all the more.
I got to work, and bless that office, everyone is always out and about, so I really didn't have to interact with anyone. Phew! have avoided human contact.
As the afternoon dragged on, I just couldn't shake off this bad morning vibe that I awoke with, for some reason, but I really could not seem to tolerate people everywhere....And I was slowly just getting more wound up as the day dragged on.
Then......my Aunt called....and because she's such a sweet lady, God bless her, I didn't ignore her call, but instead answered it......We just started chatting about this and that and everything in between, and before I knew it, I was giggling, and smiling, and having this rambunctious laughter pop out of my mouth now and then...........
After half an hour, I got off the phone, and suddenly I just felt light.....in my spirit.
And I was thinking, is that all that I needed??
Some human contact? The very thing that I had been trying to avoid all day.......?? LOL.

Have you ever observed someone in the throes of laughter??:-)
Some having this booming infectious laughter............Others cover their mouths and it comes out in spurts...
Some people become totally inhibited......
Their heads get thrown backwards....
Wides mouth open....such that a dentist would envy the view!...
Some clap their hands in joy....
Others you better watch out, because legs and arms declare their own compass in every foreseeable direction:-)

But the one thing you do notice, is the glint in people's eyes...
They suddenly come alive...
Nervousness disappears.....
Ice gets broken and people start communicating......
And after a good laugh, it's like your satiety centre has been hit by a huge truck....
Your mind is clear....
You breathe better....
Your heart is pumping in happy gallops....
You just feel more relaxed.....don't you?
Feel so FREE!:-)

I think I have been taking the power of laughter for granted:-) And I should start paying more attention to advice from my mother's ancestors apparently. hahaha.......Even though half the time nowadays, I respond to a lot of things with LOL (laugh out loud), and when I do that, I really do either have a smile on my face, or have a chuckle at least....
Strange though, it might seem something so innocuous, but I think if you ask any woman what she wants in a partner, almost invariably we all say, someone with a sense of humour and who can make us laugh.........So laughter is important....
But why wait around for other people to provide the joy?.........Be a source of joy onto yourself, and unto others....Spread it  around:-)
So go on then..............Laugh Out Loud! It's good for you. LOLOLOLOLLLL:-)

Secret - by Seal

To finally know...........

So today I'm a bit mellowed out.....probably because I'm nursing this terrible cold, and feel half dead....lol.

I had this full day planned out but had to cut half of it short thanks to this bug.
All I had to do was call the Other Half to pick me up from work, and voila he showed up like a genie out of a lamp. I was so grateful. I was really feeling terrible.

I've been musing a lot about different women I meet from time to time....And their never ending search for Mr. Right...And the now all too common stories of There-Are-No-Good-Men-Out-There-Anymore variety....
I come across a lot of unhappy bitter women, who probably don't even realize how unpleasant they are to others...Or maybe they want to make you feel as unpleasant as they feel. After all, misery does love company. Who knows what's going through their neuronal connections up there....
Some people say, that if you've never witnessed a good healthy relationship, then you wouldn't know how to be in one, and how to foster one...I think that's true to a certain extent....And then I think, we all have the same basic wants and needs as human beings....To feel loved and appreciated, and treasured by others around us, in whatever capacity....and we navigate through life trying to figure ourselves out, as well as how to achieve all those things our hearts yearn.

There was a time in my life I didn't think that love was real.....you know, like REALLY real.....Or that I was destined to be blessed with it....I thought perhaps I was just one of those people who wasn't lucky enough to be in that happy bubble that I envisioned people were in.
Of course I had to learn to love myself first, and deem myself worthy of love, so as to be able to be truly open to another human being and let them into that space.........something I think many people are afraid of doing and hence deny themselves the experience.......and then end up in the male-bashing band.

And then of course there's always good old plain Hollywood....that makes us believe love and romance are one and the same thing, and that's the only facet we should view it in....And then when the romance fades, people mistakenly thing the love has also faded......

Am I an expert in this? Hell no...but I've had my fair share of mistakes, and thankfully took a step back to learn from them...I wanted to know what made happy couples tick, and so I had to be honest with myself about my own shortcomings and own up to bad choices I made..........I had to take responsibility......

Of course we all want to feel the magic :-) And it's absolutely wonderful to feel the magic. To be swept off our feet....
I still remember when my husband and I were courting.......and I couldn't even remember what I said throughout our first dinner together, or what the food even tasted like..............but I do remember staring into his eyes.........
I never thought this corny stuff was real....until I was right in the middle of it :-)
And I remember my heart racing, and my brain just absolutely refusing to work, and despite written directions, I still got lost in Covent Garden in Central London (somewhere I had been numerous times before) trying to find the restaurant with the perfect french breakfast so that I could share that with him.......I'm so glad he didn't think I was a bumbling idiot that day....
And I remember that total feeling of contentment when we prayed together.....
And I remember my heart aching at Heathrow Airport when he had to leave, such that I delayed him so much, he missed his flight out!

That magic does exist.................maybe not in the uber cinematographic style of Hollywood.....but I'm pretty sure everyone has their own magic moments that just make them smile and lights up their hearts............
Hence I don't understand the people who trash the idea of marriage....
Or trash men, and then yet in the same breathe would want to be with someone who they can share their life with.........
Or people who want to be with someone, say they are looking for a partner, but then again exude such negativism within themselves outward to the world, that they push away the chance of letting all that come into play...........They don't give themselves a real chance for love..........And then conclude it's not possible.......
Take responsibility.

Secret - by Seal (Please click on the link to listen to the song)

The nature of magic moments changes too over time.........People think they diminish, but they actually become deeper, richer and more meaningful.....And you learn to look at things through a different kaleidoscope...
To see a new vision, aside that from which we are all taught by romance novels and mass media....
To appreciate.....
So when my husband rushes over to pick me from work because I am unwell....
And tucks me into bed....
And gets me my medication...
And does the dishes....
And makes sure dinner is served....
And checks up on me ever so often to see if I am alright....
I am humbled by the power of the Almighty...because He has shown me, by knowing, loving and respecting your Lord, how great his Bounty and Mercy can be.....
And I am humbled to finally know Love.

Belly Up....??

So I've been musing.........
And perhaps I'm starting to believe that a friend of mine might just have been right a few years ago when he told me that I might just have too much testosterone in me..........Lol.

Baby...baby.......and oh baby!
I think the natural inclination for most people.......at least where I come from....is that once you get married, there should be the advent of little ones somewhere along the way.......
And then people talk about all this 'maternal instinct' stuff........hmmmmmmmm.....something that I just don't relate to....

I watch other women coo-coo over babies, or the idea of babies...........and I just have no connection to all of that.
I hear other women talk about how much they want to have kids......and I don't really have connection to that intensity of feelings either........
I mean, am I missing something??
Did I miss some training or class while growing up? Lol.

Not that I don't want to ever have 'Mini-Me's' at some point in the future.........but I don't really sit thinking about it....or planning for it.......or yearning for it either.
I like kids.....I really don't mind them...and I actually think I would make a fantastic mother.....
But I also really like the way my life is so far. Lol.
So people would call that being selfish huh?

Sometimes I think it's because we are sooooo attuned to the fact that marriage and kids have to go together......Or that when you reach a 'certain age', you have to be at that point in your life......
But who's to say one size fits all??

I would really like to find out from other women, did they always WANT to have kids???
But, I'm certain that I might not get the honest answers I seek.....because it would be viewed negatively if someone actually came out and said, NO, I really didn't want to have kids, or have these many kids.......It's seen as something bad, so I don't think I'll get the honest responses I seek.

When I was a teenager...I thought boys were stupid (I secretly to some measure still think this).....and I wasn't interested in boys.......and everyone around me was running after some boy or the other, having crushes, relationships, etc etc.........And I didn't want any of that..........I pretended, just so that I could fit in....and so that people wouldn't view me as being weird.......I bet in this day and age, if I was a teenager now and communicated that to people, the natural answer would be perhaps I'm gay..............
But I'm not gay...and I wasn't having any of those thoughts then either.......But I still wasn't like everyone else swooning over some guy.........just like I don't swoon over the idea of babies now.

And so here I am at a later point in life............with a different set of issues......
Are there people who have kids because it's the expected thing to do??
Would anyone ever admit to that???

I see myself as a mother in the future......God Willing.........but just not now........
And I find babies cute......I don't gush over them....but I find them cute (most of them), and some actually delightful....Lol.......
But that doesn't kick in this 'maternal instinct' that I envision.......the thing that people are always talking about. Lol.
Another funny thing is...........everyone always thinks that I don't like kids......I guess because I don't Oooh-Aaah at them like everyone else.......and yet, I actually do enjoy the company of kids.......Just smart, well-behaved ones. Hahahahaha........And ironically, I think kids like me too........and that surprises people.

As women, we are expected to want babies...and dream about prams and booties...or something along those lines......It's set up as the unspoken sphere of womanhood.
So does it make you less of a woman supposedly, if you don't fit that category?
Do people think there's something wrong with you?

When I was single, there was this immense pressure to get married.......but I held out.....until I found Mr. Right.
And then it turned out that people were putting me under a microscope thereafter, because I did not fit the 'Wife' type. lololol.......I guess I don't fit the 'Mom' type either then......
So these magical emotions and bonds that other women have about children, I don't have it.
And I suspect there are other women out there like me...................
But perhaps public censure keeps them wary to speak out their true thoughts.

Women Are People Too...!!!

I recently read an article that I felt very close to my heart, because I remember a few years ago where I was at a point in my life trying to find myself.....
Who am I?
As we plod through life, we define many roles as women.....as daughters, sisters, friends, girlfriends, wives, mothers, aunts, grandmothers.............all rounded and carefully molded to fit our cultures and the communities that we grown up in....
But at some point in every woman's life........and perhaps several times in a woman's life.........she reaches a point where she tried to define herself as an individual..........And usually society is not kind to these kind of thoughts.

For me personally....that question.......Who am I?...led me down the spiritual path of Islam, in which I found peace, balance and a place for myself within society......That was my identity....And I could be ultra 'feministic', and yes still be a good person......I am still me, and I am a Muslim woman, and in the midst of all that, I still play all the roles I have to play in connection with my fellow human beings....without losing myself in the mix.
Sometimes this struggle however, leaves many ladies confused and tormented...And they may not be able to identify what is the root of all the conflict.........

The words of  BETTY FRIEDAN fifty years ago had immense power, and I think up to now, will still resonate with many women.
So despite this being a tad bit long.........this blog is dedicated to her..............and to all those girls who have always been told, that there is a glass ceiling.

"It is not easy to put into words a feeling and a problem that women find harder to talk about than almost anything - including sex. it is in fact such a complex and elusive problem that - as prevalent as it is - there is not yet a psychological term to describe it. Essentially, this feeling or problem is a strange stirring, a dissatisfied groping, a yearning, a search that is going on in the minds of women. This is not easy to put into words because those women who struggle with it struggle alone, afraid to admit that they are asking themselves the silent question, "Is this all?", as they make the beds, shop for groceries and new curtains, eat peanut-butter sandwiches with the children, chauffeur Cub Scouts and Brownies to and from meetings, or lie beside their husbands at night.

There are no words for this search in the millions of words written for women about women these past 20 years in columns, articles, and books by experts that tell us that our roles as women is to seek fulfillment as wives and mothers. The voices of tradition and the voices of Freudian sophistication tell us that we can desire no greater destiny than to glory in our role as women, in our own femininity. They tell us how to catch a man and keep him; how to breast-feed children and handle toilet training; sibling rivalry, adolescent rebellion, how to buy a dishwasher, cook Grandmother's bread and gourmet snails, build a swimming pool with our own hands; how to dress, look and act more feminine, and make marriage more exciting; how to keep our husbands from dying young and our sons from growing into delinquents.

They tell us - the psychologists and psychoanalysts and sociologists who keep tracing the neuroses of child and man back to mother - that all our frustrations were caused by education and emancipation, the striving for independence and equality with men, which made women unfeminine. They tell us that the truly feminine woman turns her back on the careers, the higher education, the political rights the opportunity to shape the major decisions of society for which the old-fashioned feminist fought.

Now a thousand expert voices pay tribute to our devotion from earliest girlhood to finding the husband and bearing the children who will give us happiness. They tell us to pity the "neurotic",  "unfeminine", "unhappy" women who once wanted to be poets and physicists of presidents, or whatever they had it in them to be. For a women to have such aspirations, interests, goals of her own, the experts keep telling us, impairs not only her ability to love her husband and children but her ability to achieve her own sexual fulfillment.

How can a woman shut her ears to all the voices of the experts and listen instead to the inner voice within her that tells her something else? Sometimes a woman says, "I feel empty, somehow", or "useless", or "incomplete", or she says it is, "as if I don't exist".
Sometimes she goes to a doctor with symptoms she cannot describe: "I have a tired feeling"..."I get so angry with the children it scares me"..."I feel like crying without any reason". She may spend years on the analyst's couch, working out her adjustment to the "feminine role". And an inner voice may say "that's not it".

A woman may live half her lifetime before she has the courage to listen to that voice and know that it is not enough to be a wife and mother, because she is also a human being herself. She cant live through her husband and children. She has to find her own fulfillment, whatever it may be.
It is such a simple truth.

Betty Friedan
Co founder of the Organization for Women (NOW).
She died in 2006.

No woman knows where her search for self fulfillment will take her.
No woman starts that search today without struggle, conflict, and taking her courage in her hands.
Maybe growth does not come without conflict.
When every woman learns to listen without fear to the voice inside her, instead of smothering it, it may lead - perhaps even more surely than rockets into space - to the next step in human evolution.

Who knows what women can be when they are finally free to become themselves???
Who knows what women's intelligence will contribute when it can be nourished without denying love?
Who knows what sons and daughters will become when their mother's fulfillment makes girls so sure they want to be feminine that they no longer have to look like Marilyn Monroe to prove it, and makes boys so unafraid of women they don't have to worry about their masculinity??
Who knows the possibilities of love, when men and women share not only children, home and garden, not only fulfillment of their biological role, but the separate human  knowledge of separate human beings??"