DADDY ISSUES.....

Sooooo last week, we had a raccoon in our dumpster at work...
Typically what would happen is, we empty our individual trash cans out ourselves at the end of every week, and replace our bins with a new garbage liner bag.
What happened this time was, I didn't empty MY trash, because there was a raccoon out there....And I wasn't about to go deal with it...........
And I wasn't alone with that thought process!
But we happen to have at least two animal lovers in our office.
D.E.D.I.C.A.T.E.D.
And one of them found out about it...........Later.............
Much to her unhappiness, and disappointment in the rest of us.
Because apparently the raccoon may have died from heat stroke in the dumpster.....(!!!)......
I swear to God that thought would have NEVER even crossed my mind......EVER.......My life was at stake (in my head), and so it was a situation of the raccoon, or I.
That's my story and I'm sticking with it!

So the very lucky raccoon, had my sweet colleague come to its rescue.
In her distress to save the 'poor' fellow before the garbage man would come empty the dumpster, or that forces of nature may overwhelm the trapped creature.
She called animal rescue........Dead end.....
And then she called some other place (who's name I have never heard of), and they said they can set a trap, and charge her close to $200 dollars for the service.............Another Dead end.....
BUT, they did suggest to her that if she could find a plank or something, and provide an escape route for the animal, then that might be helpful....
So she did!......Find a plank...and propped it at an angle providing the raccoon access once more to the outside world.
ANDDDDDDDDDD........She threw in some food and drink for good measure, so that it could replenish itself before the great escape.
A Walt Disney Movie should be made out of this!

I may be friends with a very famous rich person  very soon!...........Watch this space.


BUTTTTTTT...........
Guess who ELSE she called in her hour of need?
Her Dad.

Who was understanding, comforting, and cheering her on throughout the entire thing.


I am always in awe of such father-daughter relationships.
I just marvel at them.
That right there, just blew me away.
What would I call my father for?
Probably an atomic bomb......And if he knew someone who could defuse it.
Like really.


This past weekend was Father's Day...
And to be honest, I really had nothing to say about it.
I don't think there ever was a year that I celebrated it.
Or at least out of own free will!


When I was younger, I yearned to be Daddy's Little Girl......Well, not really...not in those words.
But well, the sentiment of it.
For a while, until his death, my grandfather filled that slot.
The loving supportive male parent role.........And I didn't miss out on it.
But then later, I did.
And then I started resenting my father for not being what I wanted him to be.
I resented that I felt alone, and vulnerable, like he didn't exist, and yet he did....
I would look at my friends who did have great relationships with their fathers, and always wonder what that would feel like.
People romanticize their life partners.....................
I romanticized my ideal father.

The deep seated resentment..............
The daddy issues.........
Were hardly ever vocalized...
But were very well played out in choices I made for myself as I was growing up.
Self destructive choices.
Escapist choices.
Choices where I was seeking out love and security from the wrong locations.


I am very VERY fortunate, to have reached a point early in life where I managed to take a step back and find the courage to look at myself.................To look at the big picture.
I was also fortunate to accept myself and my father for the individuals we both are.
I accepted my role in my choices, and took responsibility for them.
And probably for the first time, I managed to look at my father as an individual.
Not the antithesis I had perhaps made him out to be.
He is who he is.
He himself, never had a father.................Never had a family........
He lost both his parents when he was very young.
Maybe he never really knew what was expected of him???
Maybe it's just his personality??
Even if I huffed and puffed and blew every house down.....
How would anything change?
It wouldn't.
So why was I punishing myself?
And perhaps, punishing him, for something that I nor he could control?
Maybe, I never even gave him a true chance? 

I also marvel at the relationship my father has with my husband.
It really does make me think...
They are able to converse about anything and everything..... 
Important or just down right silly....
And be totally cool with each other......
And truly be like father and son.
I marvel that my husband has that with MY father!
It's weird.......but I like it.
It's like some part of me does have THAT relationship with him.
Clearly I'm living through my husband...
I admit that!


One of the sayings of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) is that, we as human beings, should always look at the less fortunate.
Not the ones who have more than us.
But the ones who have less.
So that we may gain some perspective.
And I suspect, a person who has maybe never met their father.
Or lost their father early in life.
May look at me, and say, at least you have 'A' father.


I have to admit.......once that concept came to me........that made me start thinking.


To add on to it all.
I wanted to be rid of the self destructive habits.

Because I don't want to be a disappointed bitter female, who has never truly lived life, and has never allowed herself to be truly happy, because I didn't want to ever admit there was a problem.
A problem that I would work on.
And fix.
And heal.
Always work on it.
Never stop working on it.


So five years ago.......I managed to reconcile with myself and move past my daddy issues...
This has freed me.
Allowed me to make better choices for myself.
Allowed me to enjoy a fulfilling marriage.


But I just moved past the issue.....
It still needs to be kept a working progress.
And maybe one day, God Willing, I can reach the point of resolving it.
Or at least reach a point where I'll be comfortable calling him to just chat.
Or ask for a mundane favour.......Not just an atomic bomb situation.

My sweet friend and colleague may not know how her raccoon fiasco may have impacted me.
But if she ever reads this.....
Thank you for reminding me that I still have a working progress in play.

SERENITY......

Sometimes there comes those moments...
That you wish could last forever....
But then they wouldn't be so precious if they were forever I suppose.

Sometimes there come those moments...
When everything falls into place...
And the air filling you lungs smells so sweet...
When the taste of water is the best taste ever...

Sometimes there comes those moments...
When you suddenly feel the need to get on your knees...
And thank the Almighty......
For something.....
For anything......
For everything...
When in your prayer, the connection to your Lord is palpable....

Sometimes there comes those moments....
When everything seems to stand still....
And everything is still in constant motion....
But all appears to be in the exact perfect pace....

Sometimes there comes those moments......
When the smile is truly radiant inside....
And the birds sing the sweetest songs....
All in perfect harmony.....


Sometimes there comes those moments....
When everything seems right.....
Despite nothing really changing....
And you know everything WILL be okay....
When the heart and mind and soul are all truly at peace.....

Sometimes there comes those moments....
When contentment is truly attainable.....
And you feel your Creator's grace and mercy envelope you....
And nothing can shake you.......

Sometimes...............:-) :-) :-)

I choose....

So today's blog is inspired by my dear friend Grace Kay, who is probably the most persistently positive person I know! :-)
It's friends like her that I cherish and that I miss...

By far I've realized how much I enjoy blogging...And how much more sane it is, compared to social networking sites...which seem to be the epicenter of drama itself.
Social networking has its benefits...
It keeps me connected to my near and dear ones....And has reconnected me with people who life's circumstances caused the distance, not choice.
It's made me meet new exciting people.......
And enabled me to forge new genuine friendships.

But..........
It's become a real nagging feeling that I've been having sharing my world with close to 400 people at a go...
Sharing myself with all these people in a probably more intimate way that I would ever do in person....
Social networking has really obscured the lines of personal space....
In fact they are obliterated.
People who hardly know you, now feel ultra comfortable commenting on aspects of your life....however mundane.....at free will.
Of course the naysayers (and I confess am one of them) will often say, people can only comment on what you put out there....
I accept responsibility for that....
But where do you draw the line?
Shouldn't there be a line??

There seems to be a general tendency......And this extends to the wider society........For judgement calls to  be made at free will....
Usually these judgements are private.........But in the virtual world, they become very public.
I think bottom line is, it still baffles me, that people who have little or nothing to do with you otherwise, suddenly have the urge to comment and dictate about someone while hiding behind a computer screen...

This phenomenon I've realized not only towards myself....but many others.
I personally, am not affected by people's opinions....
And that is a genuinely from the bottom of my heart statement!
I know who I am as a person....And whatever opinion people may have, never shakes me.
But it does affect other people....
When you have women going into depression because they feel socially rejected....
Or teenagers committing suicide because of cyber bullying........
People feeling judged.
People feeling unwanted.
People feeling worthless.
All due to comments, 'likes', 'dislikes', quizzes, games, posts, hearts, surveys, number of pictures, hits.......that encapsulate the world of facebook, twitter and the like.
And so it gets me to think of the detriment of social networking.

Nevertheless, I veer off on a tangent....
The blog by my friend Grace, Learning To Learn, is a perfect example of breaking through those shackles....
We live, we learn.
And I think I've done my fair bit of learning from my 'life' on social networking.
Time to cut some strings from all the drama....
Time to break away from all the forced judgements....
I prefer to live in the real world.....

 And so as I sit here and watch the trees grow back their leaves...
The amazing array of colours in nature....
The magnificence of God's creation....
As the sun sets.....
And listening to birds twitter away......
I know what I choose.
I choose happiness. :-)

Balance....

I've been absent on my blog for a couple of months now...
And it seems every time that I am totally inspired to write...
When the words flow like water down a waterfall...
Without effort...
Ceaseless....
Are when I lay my head down on my pillow to sleep!

I just don't get it..
How can that be my most inspired time?
:-) I usually just shake my head......Resist the urge to get up......In the common interest and good of my  body and mind....I focus on the task at hand.....To get some sleep!

Life has really got on to that super highway....
Where there are no speed limits...
And no state troopers on the prowl to pull you over...
The pace of life can snowball into something else.
Have to keep a keen eye on it.

I love it though.
This is the pace at which I thrive....
I'm totally tired on most days...
Completely fatigued...
But I love it.
This is me.
A different kind of adrenaline junkie.

In the mix of it all though, I really have been trying to balance work, home, family, friends and play time.
This time round......New career in the works.....I was determined to do it different...
Do it right.
It's made my diary look like war zone :-) But I think I have somewhat succeeded.
And I thank Almighty God for all the wonderful people in my life who are there to share it...
And there to witness it...
And to hold me together.

Seems like the only thing that has really suffered though is the virtual life of Suburban Barbie...
Which needs some attention and rectification of that situation...
Rest assured though, she's alive and well, and living it in the real world :-)

Enjoy the song.........This is MY plan for the weekend....Nothing at all! :-)
What's yours??
The Lazy Song! - Nothing At All!

Superwoman.....

"...Coz I am Superwoman....
     ......Yes I am."

I used to totally love that song by Alicia Keys.
I lived it.
Breathed it.
I was it.

The past couple of weeks have seen me having very interesting conversations with other ladies about the state of 'our' men.......generally in society.
Why do people stay with no good men?
Why do people stay with men who don't behave as equal partners in a relationship?
Why do people stay with men who only want a replacement mommy?

I think for the longest time ever, we as women, collectively sit and basically trash men.
We may not want to admit it.....but yes we do.
Almost 3 decades on this planet, and I personally am starting to really honer in on a different path with the whole so-called male-bashing brigade.

I'm not saying that men are not the creatures that we all have experience of knowing....
I'm not saying that total jerks don't exist....because we all know they do....and those ones should be promptly kicked to the kerb.
All I'm saying is, it's time to stop the generalizations, as well as taking some personal responsibility too in the mix of the messes we find ourselves in.

So he's a no-good idiot.
How about accepting responsibility for picking a no-good idiot?....
Or staying with him for thaaaaaaaaat long once you discovered that he's a no-good idiot?

So he doesn't help out with the housework, or just doesn't step up to the platform he should be on.
How about accepting that maybe you have a hand in it all with that situation?
I remember looking at women all around me, doing everything, handling everything, taking care of everything......exhausted by life after a short time.....because of all of that.......Superwomen......and then getting bitter because their partners were not helping out with anything of anything regarding their life together.
I watched women take care of every little detail FOR the man, then turn around later and wonder why he doesn't do anything on his own, for himself, and has no initiative to do anything............
Its because YOU do everything already.

And these wonderful women who were forced to handle it all subconcsiously then breed other Superwomen............
Who can do it all.....
Who will never need to lean on a man.....
Who won't need a man........
And then we wonder why we are where we are.........A multitude of women who have no respect for men.....And a multitude of men who just don't know what their role is anymore.

It seems cruel to say that a man is 'well-trained'....But in reality, our men DO need some guidance on how to do things.....Some direction......In helping out.....On getting onto that platform we want them to be on......And then set them free.
We HAVE to stay in our lane as women.
We HAVE to let men take their role.

Many of us were raised by Superwomen.....And I think it has become the standard normal for a woman to be able to do everything.......
Yes, WE CAN do everything, but we don't HAVE to.
There is a reason God created us with partners.
We don't HAVE to do everything.
We can share.
We can delegate.
We can push our men up on that podium and make them step up to it all.

The danger of the Superwoman mentality is that, with our acquired power, the role of men in our lives then becomes redundant....
And we slowly but surely then emasculate the men we do have......our husbands.......our sons........and FEED the vicious cycle of men not stepping up to the plate.
We are inclined biologically to want companionship....But then we also have a hand in creating this monstrous state of affairs....
Because we DO contribute to tearing down the good men that are out there....by taking on OUR role, as well as THEIR role too. Leaving them with no blueprint to life.
Letting them get away with nonsense.....
Making excuses for them....
Condoning the lack of real manhood.
WE are in control of this situation.
And therefore we have to own up to contributing to the system...to the situation of it all.

 This weekend I have received a precious piece of advice from an older lady.
Yes, we are Superwomen.
But when we do find that rare gem of a good man, let's work our super powers on inspiring that man to be the very best partner that he can be...the very best leader.....the best husband.....the best father.....the best MAN that he can be.
Push him up on that pedestal and inspire him to be the SuperMan that he can be......
That you WANT him to be.

Leeches.....

Life is an interesting place....

People are interesting creatures.

I think as human beings  we are extremely social beings...and without realizing it, our day to day sense of worth and existence really revolves round our relationships with other people in our lives, in whatever capacity they are.

Now and then, I'm accused of being anti-social.
I've never agreed with that description....but everyone is allowed their opinion I suppose.
But perhaps my need for other human attention, acceptance, acknowledgement has just waned over time...And hence i can peacefully exist with minimal interaction from others.
I ceased being a 'people-pleaser'.....decided not to bend with the wind.......decided to make some people uncomfortable....
This indeed is a sense of freedom.
To be truly yourself.
No dependency on others.
Some people may see it as being lonely....but there is a huge difference between being lonely and choosing to be alone.
Sometimes the drama just isn't worth it.....from those far off, but especially from those near and perhaps once dear.

Interestingly over the years I've come to notice....and have discussed with many other people....as to how some people that populate one's life are there just out of convenience.

How many of us have that 'friend' who we keep on the side and only call when we need something?
How many of us have that family member who is but a virtual stranger to us now despite having probably spent the first 2 decades of your lives together??
How many of us have friends, loved ones, associates who have come and gone intermittently throughout our lives....leave.....not a word.......and then only to show up with some crisis or drama at certain time intervals....?
How many of us have totally erased the memory of individuals who at one point of our lives took up center stage of the entire play we were in??

On the flip side....
We have the people who are there.....always...
Un-wavering.....
Un-judging.....
Constant.
The ones who there was an instant connection.
The ones who you didn't have to pretend with.
The ones who despite not having spoken in years, you can pick up the thread of conversation where you left it off half a decade ago........
The people who have stood the test of time.

Our lives are about our relationships with others......that human connection.
Anyone who tried to refute that, is in denial.
The dependency on these connections is what may vary within people.
We give precedence to those we are bound by decree to call 'family'....But we all know, that's not necessarily the truth of the word family.
Family are the constants....And that is truly decided over time......Not last name.
And that there is indeed a huge difference in being lonely and choosing to be alone....and it is okay!

I've come across so many people who think they are odd-balls....who don't fit into the mould.....who deem themselves as anti-social....amazing men and women who have falsely been led to believe that they are an anomaly and should change...conform.......
I say to you....you are as beautiful as you truly are.
Stay yourself always.
THEY will adjust to you and accept you eventually.
And the ones who don't, were not worth the time.

Coming Home....

I'm coming home...
Coming home....
Tell the world, I'm coming home........

Those are the lyrics to a popular song playing on the airwaves right now. I hear it quite often on the radio.
And sitting in an airport, watching people...hustle and bustle.....walk up and down...rushing......
If you ask them where they are going...most will answer 'HOME'.

It's got me thinking.....in this day and age, where is home for most of us?
Travelling through America, it's a common question people have....Where you from?
Most people are from a different state....different city.....different country.
And it's quite normal for it to be so...
I think I realize more now than ever, how much people are on the move.
The concept of a Global Village is really a reality.

Growing up in Africa, the usual question I used to get is, which village are my people from?
Now, unknown to many, I didn't have a 'village' to call home.
I was a city girl....Born and Raised.
I never had grandparents somewhere else in some upcountry destination to go visit on school holidays.....
My grandparents and everyone in knew in my family were right there in the city with me!
It was a concept that was difficult for many people to grasp.
They always felt like I was not being entirely honest with them with my answers.
But being bi-racial at that time was also a concept that people were not quite used to as well.
So here I was, the non-villager with no village.....
No HOME.

Moving overseas, that question did become easier......
Where is home? Ofcourse Kenya!
But then I had moved with no intention of living in Kenya in the near foreseeable future.....So where was home now?
I embraced London with open arms and it was to me 'home' now.
I had family around...Great friends.....School....A job.....A place where I could put my head down everyday.
The place where I was living my life.
This was home now.

There is a popular saying that home is where the heart is.
I was soon uprooted from my English life...swept off my feet my an American fellow....And suddenly the dynamics of everything was thrown into disarray.
Moving to the Middle East with my husband was a temporary plan, with the possibility of making it more long term if that was agreeable.......
I following my heart.....
But there was an instant 2-way mutual dislike.....disregard.....disdain......between the Middle East and I.
THAT never became home.

There is a popular ideology that for a woman....And it exists in many cultures.....That a woman's home is where her parents are, or where her husband is.
I don't know how they factor women who are not married and not living with their parents....but hey that's a whoooole different topic for another day:-)
I guess I came to America somehow with that in my subconcsious.

So it's taken a bit of a mind shift, but now when people talk about America.....
Eh.....that's ME!
When people talk about American Muslims........hold up.........that's ME.
It's not THEM anymore....It's US.
THIS is HOME now.

I know so many people who have moved....Are thinking of moving....Are in the process of moving....from one place on this planet to somewhere else.
For personal reasons.
For professional reasons.
I wonder where they consider Home?
I think it has become such a dynamic amorphous concept and word in this day and age.
But I do wonder what people feel about it.....
If they even think about it...
Really think about it.
Does it matter anymore??

And so they announce it's boarding time for my flight.
My flight Home :-)