Superwoman.....

"...Coz I am Superwoman....
     ......Yes I am."

I used to totally love that song by Alicia Keys.
I lived it.
Breathed it.
I was it.

The past couple of weeks have seen me having very interesting conversations with other ladies about the state of 'our' men.......generally in society.
Why do people stay with no good men?
Why do people stay with men who don't behave as equal partners in a relationship?
Why do people stay with men who only want a replacement mommy?

I think for the longest time ever, we as women, collectively sit and basically trash men.
We may not want to admit it.....but yes we do.
Almost 3 decades on this planet, and I personally am starting to really honer in on a different path with the whole so-called male-bashing brigade.

I'm not saying that men are not the creatures that we all have experience of knowing....
I'm not saying that total jerks don't exist....because we all know they do....and those ones should be promptly kicked to the kerb.
All I'm saying is, it's time to stop the generalizations, as well as taking some personal responsibility too in the mix of the messes we find ourselves in.

So he's a no-good idiot.
How about accepting responsibility for picking a no-good idiot?....
Or staying with him for thaaaaaaaaat long once you discovered that he's a no-good idiot?

So he doesn't help out with the housework, or just doesn't step up to the platform he should be on.
How about accepting that maybe you have a hand in it all with that situation?
I remember looking at women all around me, doing everything, handling everything, taking care of everything......exhausted by life after a short time.....because of all of that.......Superwomen......and then getting bitter because their partners were not helping out with anything of anything regarding their life together.
I watched women take care of every little detail FOR the man, then turn around later and wonder why he doesn't do anything on his own, for himself, and has no initiative to do anything............
Its because YOU do everything already.

And these wonderful women who were forced to handle it all subconcsiously then breed other Superwomen............
Who can do it all.....
Who will never need to lean on a man.....
Who won't need a man........
And then we wonder why we are where we are.........A multitude of women who have no respect for men.....And a multitude of men who just don't know what their role is anymore.

It seems cruel to say that a man is 'well-trained'....But in reality, our men DO need some guidance on how to do things.....Some direction......In helping out.....On getting onto that platform we want them to be on......And then set them free.
We HAVE to stay in our lane as women.
We HAVE to let men take their role.

Many of us were raised by Superwomen.....And I think it has become the standard normal for a woman to be able to do everything.......
Yes, WE CAN do everything, but we don't HAVE to.
There is a reason God created us with partners.
We don't HAVE to do everything.
We can share.
We can delegate.
We can push our men up on that podium and make them step up to it all.

The danger of the Superwoman mentality is that, with our acquired power, the role of men in our lives then becomes redundant....
And we slowly but surely then emasculate the men we do have......our husbands.......our sons........and FEED the vicious cycle of men not stepping up to the plate.
We are inclined biologically to want companionship....But then we also have a hand in creating this monstrous state of affairs....
Because we DO contribute to tearing down the good men that are out there....by taking on OUR role, as well as THEIR role too. Leaving them with no blueprint to life.
Letting them get away with nonsense.....
Making excuses for them....
Condoning the lack of real manhood.
WE are in control of this situation.
And therefore we have to own up to contributing to the system...to the situation of it all.

 This weekend I have received a precious piece of advice from an older lady.
Yes, we are Superwomen.
But when we do find that rare gem of a good man, let's work our super powers on inspiring that man to be the very best partner that he can be...the very best leader.....the best husband.....the best father.....the best MAN that he can be.
Push him up on that pedestal and inspire him to be the SuperMan that he can be......
That you WANT him to be.

Leeches.....

Life is an interesting place....

People are interesting creatures.

I think as human beings  we are extremely social beings...and without realizing it, our day to day sense of worth and existence really revolves round our relationships with other people in our lives, in whatever capacity they are.

Now and then, I'm accused of being anti-social.
I've never agreed with that description....but everyone is allowed their opinion I suppose.
But perhaps my need for other human attention, acceptance, acknowledgement has just waned over time...And hence i can peacefully exist with minimal interaction from others.
I ceased being a 'people-pleaser'.....decided not to bend with the wind.......decided to make some people uncomfortable....
This indeed is a sense of freedom.
To be truly yourself.
No dependency on others.
Some people may see it as being lonely....but there is a huge difference between being lonely and choosing to be alone.
Sometimes the drama just isn't worth it.....from those far off, but especially from those near and perhaps once dear.

Interestingly over the years I've come to notice....and have discussed with many other people....as to how some people that populate one's life are there just out of convenience.

How many of us have that 'friend' who we keep on the side and only call when we need something?
How many of us have that family member who is but a virtual stranger to us now despite having probably spent the first 2 decades of your lives together??
How many of us have friends, loved ones, associates who have come and gone intermittently throughout our lives....leave.....not a word.......and then only to show up with some crisis or drama at certain time intervals....?
How many of us have totally erased the memory of individuals who at one point of our lives took up center stage of the entire play we were in??

On the flip side....
We have the people who are there.....always...
Un-wavering.....
Un-judging.....
Constant.
The ones who there was an instant connection.
The ones who you didn't have to pretend with.
The ones who despite not having spoken in years, you can pick up the thread of conversation where you left it off half a decade ago........
The people who have stood the test of time.

Our lives are about our relationships with others......that human connection.
Anyone who tried to refute that, is in denial.
The dependency on these connections is what may vary within people.
We give precedence to those we are bound by decree to call 'family'....But we all know, that's not necessarily the truth of the word family.
Family are the constants....And that is truly decided over time......Not last name.
And that there is indeed a huge difference in being lonely and choosing to be alone....and it is okay!

I've come across so many people who think they are odd-balls....who don't fit into the mould.....who deem themselves as anti-social....amazing men and women who have falsely been led to believe that they are an anomaly and should change...conform.......
I say to you....you are as beautiful as you truly are.
Stay yourself always.
THEY will adjust to you and accept you eventually.
And the ones who don't, were not worth the time.

Coming Home....

I'm coming home...
Coming home....
Tell the world, I'm coming home........

Those are the lyrics to a popular song playing on the airwaves right now. I hear it quite often on the radio.
And sitting in an airport, watching people...hustle and bustle.....walk up and down...rushing......
If you ask them where they are going...most will answer 'HOME'.

It's got me thinking.....in this day and age, where is home for most of us?
Travelling through America, it's a common question people have....Where you from?
Most people are from a different state....different city.....different country.
And it's quite normal for it to be so...
I think I realize more now than ever, how much people are on the move.
The concept of a Global Village is really a reality.

Growing up in Africa, the usual question I used to get is, which village are my people from?
Now, unknown to many, I didn't have a 'village' to call home.
I was a city girl....Born and Raised.
I never had grandparents somewhere else in some upcountry destination to go visit on school holidays.....
My grandparents and everyone in knew in my family were right there in the city with me!
It was a concept that was difficult for many people to grasp.
They always felt like I was not being entirely honest with them with my answers.
But being bi-racial at that time was also a concept that people were not quite used to as well.
So here I was, the non-villager with no village.....
No HOME.

Moving overseas, that question did become easier......
Where is home? Ofcourse Kenya!
But then I had moved with no intention of living in Kenya in the near foreseeable future.....So where was home now?
I embraced London with open arms and it was to me 'home' now.
I had family around...Great friends.....School....A job.....A place where I could put my head down everyday.
The place where I was living my life.
This was home now.

There is a popular saying that home is where the heart is.
I was soon uprooted from my English life...swept off my feet my an American fellow....And suddenly the dynamics of everything was thrown into disarray.
Moving to the Middle East with my husband was a temporary plan, with the possibility of making it more long term if that was agreeable.......
I following my heart.....
But there was an instant 2-way mutual dislike.....disregard.....disdain......between the Middle East and I.
THAT never became home.

There is a popular ideology that for a woman....And it exists in many cultures.....That a woman's home is where her parents are, or where her husband is.
I don't know how they factor women who are not married and not living with their parents....but hey that's a whoooole different topic for another day:-)
I guess I came to America somehow with that in my subconcsious.

So it's taken a bit of a mind shift, but now when people talk about America.....
Eh.....that's ME!
When people talk about American Muslims........hold up.........that's ME.
It's not THEM anymore....It's US.
THIS is HOME now.

I know so many people who have moved....Are thinking of moving....Are in the process of moving....from one place on this planet to somewhere else.
For personal reasons.
For professional reasons.
I wonder where they consider Home?
I think it has become such a dynamic amorphous concept and word in this day and age.
But I do wonder what people feel about it.....
If they even think about it...
Really think about it.
Does it matter anymore??

And so they announce it's boarding time for my flight.
My flight Home :-)

Treadmill of Life...

So after taking an unplanned hiatus from blogging......I'm back!:-)

The past couple of months have totally disappeared into fat air with a speed that I don't quite clearly recognize yet...nor understand.
But this is what happened.....
I started working again!
Which is an excellent thing, because that means the life of Suburban Barbie can be maintained at its core level.....But then this brought about the demise of my days as a Desperate Housewife.

The transition has been something else actually.
I hadn't anticipated the struggle.
The first week, both my body and mind were in total anarchy with the new timetable of things. I've never had so much resistance from my own body!
I guess this is where something called Will Power comes into play.
By the end of the second week.....We had resigned (by 'WE' i mean my body and mind) to our fate, and accepted the new way of life....
Or was it in fact the old way of life??

I'm the kind of person who throws herself into anything and everything I make a commitment to.
That can be a good thing.......Can be a bad thing.
When it comes to relationships, it can be good, WHEN you have a partner who is equally as committed as you......When you don't on the other hand......results in one free ride for a person who can easily take advantage of you.............
And relationships does include friendships......

When it come to the work front, here is where we may run into problems.
My boss usually is very happy, but my life doesn't necessarily reflect that happiness always.

When I was completing Medical School and going through my quarter-life crisis....It was a whole new journey of discovering who I was.
Coming right out of adolescence, then jumping right into Med School is not a great idea me thinks.
You grow up in Med School...surrounded by all things medical, and THAT becomes your area of comfort....
That's all you know.
That's all you are.
After I graduated, I looked at people who had done other degrees....chosen different paths......friends, relatives....They had already been working for a couple of years, and I was just starting out.
They seemed to know themselves. They seemed to know what they wanted out of life....well, at least at that point in their lives.
Most of us who graduated from Med School...if you gave us a couple of days of nothingness to do, we wouldn't know where to begin....or at least that's how i felt about myself.
I didn't know what I liked...or didn't like.
I didn't know what I wanted to do in 'free' time.
I didn't know myself.....OUTSIDE the sphere of the Medical World.
For all those years you get so consumed with the life of illness and treatment, that becomes your world.
When that stops for a fraction of a moment.......what do you have??

I began a journey of self searching. and that search included the part of me that was  a Medic.
And after much introspection, I was adamant that the 'Doctor' and the 'Person' in my would be kept separate.
My work wouldn't consume me.
My work wouldn't BECOME me.

For a lot of people, there's a comfort and safety in the titles life gives us.
I think many people around me just never quite understood that about me. I ran away from titles.
I never wanted to be put in a box.
I just wanted to be me.
When I pass onto the next life, I want people to remember me for being a great human being, not for the skew little letters that now come after my name on my business card.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the rat race.....That we don't even know where we want to be headed.

My choices so far in life, have been decided very much based on that....To always stay true to myself.
To always be me.
Some people get it....Some people don't.
So the first month back at work....was a whirlwind!
AND I did fall off the bandwagon!
Old habits.
Bad habits!

I got totally wrapped up in my new world.
But I had to remember not to lose myself in the mix of it all.....To still strike that balance.
I love my job, and proud of my achievements professionally....But i also love my husband, and my home, my family, my friends......My life.
So I have to keep working at striking  a balance.
It a working progress:-)

The Blame Game....

I remember the time when everyone round the world was super unhappy with the meddling government of the United States.....everywhere you turned, there they were, offering opinions and directions as to what everyone should be doing with their lives....
Irrespective of what region of the world you lived in ....
Irrespective of the specific cultural norms of the people affected...
Irrespective of your daily circumstances......
Irrespective of.......everything.
You just had to to as you were told......sort of.
I mean the respective leaders had to agree to it all right...and drag their citizens into it unwittingly.

We were sort of living in an ultra policed world don't you think?
Kind of like of that Tom Cruise movie Minority Report.

So then what happened?
We had a change in administration.................a change in regime some would claim.
So now.........perhaps because human beings are notorious for being creatures of habit, apparently the United States Government is NOT meddling enough in everyone's business!
Huh?! Isn't that what we all wanted??
Stay out of our lives and we'll make decisions ourselves??
They say, be careful what you wish for....................................you may just get exactly what you thought you wanted.

So here we are again....
The not-meddling-enough American government is under fire for doing exactly what people round the world were crying for a few years back...
Memories run short it seems.....

Strife is running high in many places round the world, and yes SURPRISINGLY guess what, everyone is crying for the American government to SAY something, DO something.............!
If i was the President of the US, trust me, I would be damn pissed off, and NOT do anything.
You sort yourselves out.................after all isn't it what you wanted??
No running to big brother when you want things fixed.

A situation where you are damned-if-you don't, and still further damned-if -you do.
Guess someone has to do the dirty job always.

People LOVE to point fingers at the American government and blast Americans.............yet, where are majority of the people in the world migrating to???
Yeah, you ask yourself that question after you take a walk to your local US embassy to see the long lines.

This is my first ever really politically linked blog.
But I seriously am tired of the trifling behaviour of human beings.
Ungrateful, tunnel visioned, whining creatures who take no responsibility for themselves.
Take a step back and really look at yourself and those around you....................What do you see??

Revelations......

The interesting thing about travelling, is meeting new people, having new experiences....and through that, learning more about yourself.............and others!
So here in the US, a lot of issues obviously have been going on since Sept 11th...with a whole bunch of perceptions moving left right and centre through society.
The greatest perception, which I think is currently shared by many regions round the world, is the fear that people have towards Muslim/Middle Eastern people.........only that I think this perception is aired loudest in the US, as opposed to other places that keep quieter about it.

I haven't had any untoward experiences by being a covered Muslim woman living in America....but I have had many interesting conversations since I have come here.....and probably won over many new friends thankfully.
The latest being a very frank conversation with one of my work mates...
Lovely woman....
Who now admitted she has a different mind set since meeting me.
She also admitted that she had never actually personally known someone of the Islamic faith before....and through knowing me, I have shattered every misconception she previously held.
She also admitted she didn't know how to initially behave around me in the beginning....and on the first day that I did show up at work, she went home and told her husband, "She's Muslim!"...LOL.
So currently...I am her only Muslim friend.
And she is no longer afraid of Muslims.

What I've learnt about myself since being here is.........I actually can be patient!:-) Which is a huge feat for me, because for many years, it used to be my one and only New Years resolution....to learn to be patient.
So it warms my heart that I am on the right track to being a better human being hopefully, by being able to endure many inquisitive questions that can make others perhaps uncomfortable or offensive to them.

What others have learnt through me hopefully is......We are not monochrome as people......That MAJORITY of Muslims round the world are just like me....NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS.
That actually what is depicted in the media is a small minority.....That the majority of Muslims round the world are actually Non-Arab.
And the list could go on....

Many times, when there are negative sentiments about a group of people, they go into tortoise mode....retreat into a shell....go into defensive mode, and do everything they think is right to 'protect' oneself....
This creates isolation.
So whether it's people of colour isolating themselves from Caucasians.
Or an ethnic group isolating themselves from other ethnic groups.
Or a religious community isolating themselves from others of a different belief system.
It's all tortoise-mode.
Defensive and self defeating in the long run.

It was an interesting open conversation i had with my new friend....and I totally appreciated her honesty in processing her feelings.
Ignorance is a fertile breeding ground for fear.
Take a step forward to the unknown......
.....challenge yourself.....
..........and you might discover limitless possibilities.

That time.........

A lot of opinions are thrown around...especially by those of the opposite gender....about THAT time of the month for ladies.....
But who knows us better than ourselves?

Was just sitting and thinking about this recently......because I marvel at the internal transformation within myself.
You have good months....and then some not-so-good months.

Growing up in a home with 3 other females, it became inevitable......as happens with many others....that we all got synchronized....moods and all!
I remember precariously approaching either one of them during that fateful one week, where you have to walk on eggshells sometimes....never knowing what could trigger someone off. Lol.
The week when the banging of doors was a normal phenomenon.......
Everyone retreating to their comfort corner.....
Silence hanging in the air.
And I was certainly no exception to this scenario.

I used to warn my friends, never to take anything that I say personally....And once they got into the swing of things, it was no longer an issue....They just stuffed me up on chocolate. Lolol.
A few days later, we were all back to normal and the internal sun was shining again.

As I said...there may be good months, and there may be bad months.

There may be the days where you cannot stand any other human being for no particular reason other than the fact that they are just alive......
There could be moments when you dream up everything you want to pig out on down to the very ingredient of the dish.....
When you get bloated......and as you continue to stuff your mouth for emotional relief, get even more depressed while looking down at your fat-lined bulging belly............(An oxymoron of actions, that you should NEVER make the mistake of voicing out loud! We know it already)
There could be moments when you just do not want........cannot......willingly or unwillingly....to do anything other just stare at a wall.............all day.........no interruptions!
When sounds and smells become amplified....good and bad.....and you wonder why human beings just talk sooooooooo much!?
When emotions MAY run amok, depending on the time of day...the environment...the trigger.......

Sublime endless possibilities.

This is how we are created.
And contrary to popular male belief.....and some females who are not blessed with the madness of PMS......there is a tendency to think that it's all a put on...............that women take advantage, go crazy, and have something conveniently to blame.
This is just to clear the air........

• We really are NOT in control..........as much as we would like to be and not go through the roller coaster of emotions.
• It is NOT fun for us.
• Understand the dynamics....and LEAVE US ALONE  in peace!

3 very simple, east-to-remember, take-home points:-)

My hubby learnt the not-so-easy way......Lol.......but, he's still alive and well:-)........and after much needed education, we are at a beautiful point.
In fact his support, patience and understanding, has almost erased the dreaded PMS for me.
There are many more good months than bad ones now.....and you can hardly notice it anymore.
So it is possible to reshape the people around you, and manage to work with creating a balance within.

This is how we are created.
It's not an act...Not a farce...Not an excuse.
And if anyone still has a problem with PMS......Take it up with the Creator at your own time!