Lioness's Den.....

The sheer beauty of the peace and quiet of a weekend morning.......
That should tell you that I don't live in Mommy's-ville yet......ha!

A little over a decade ago, I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
I most probably need to read the book again now, for a better assessment and understanding of reality, but at that time my still adolescent mind totally thought I had grasped it all.
The book was beneficial at the time, in the sense, it got me to think.......Whether it was in the right direction of thought process is debatable.............But there was a thought process.....So we'll concentrate on the positive.

One of the things that struck me the most was how the author delved into the need for Men to have solitary time, as opposed to continuous male-bonding sessions...or just human contact in general.
He called it, the Cave-Man moments.
Where a man would need a time-out, to be by himself, process whatever he needs to.....
Mentally and emotionally work out what he needs to......
However big or small the problem may be.
Or there may not be a problem at all actually.....He just needs time to himself.
To think.
To reflect.
To just....BE.
And then re-emerge into the world, a stronger, more balanced human being....Ready to be the super-hero he is meant to be.

Women on the other hand...We are meant to be eternally social beings.
We need support of each other at all times (apparently).
We need AND WANT to have contact with others.
We share EVERYTHING.......And that is how we deal with issues in life.
Constant pretty butterflies....flying from one flower to the next.
Or so the author had summarized.

So maybe it's just me (but I highly doubt it)...
Or that perhaps in the last 2 decades since the book was written, women had acquired a higher level of testosterone within themselves......
But I no longer buy that concept.
Social entrapment at it's best.

You see, this is why I started by saying, when I read the book, I still had an adolescent mind.
Peer-pressure without even realizing it!
For a few years after that, I think I bought into that idea.
That I was supposed to be that way with others....constantly engaged.....because I am a woman.....
And that's what women are.......What women do....Always.....ALL THE TIME.

And so when I needed my own personal time-outs...It was virtually impossible for me to just SAY "I need my personal space and time"...
Impossible.
I'd make up all sorts of excuses....
Oh, I have to do this....
Oh, I am busy with that....
Just not able to say simply, "I respectfully decline your invite, but I just don't feel like being at a party", or, "I just need time to myself, rain-check, next time God willing".....
And majority of people....men and women.....who have also bought into that ideology....Do not realize that they have.
You run the high risk of being called Anti-Social...Just because you're not going nuts in excitement and clapping your hands at the thought of the next tea party to go to!
I personally have been told that perhaps I do not like people....several times.
Like....what is wrong with me?!

Truth is...........there is nothing wrong with me.
And I am so thankful to have grown up.........Because I know that fact with certainty!
Any grown woman will tell you how much they crave ME-TIME.
Nowadays....psychologists praise the need for me-time....for everybody!
But even with this 'new' knowledge....The archaic expectations and lack of understanding of women still prevail.

And yet.....
As women, we are torn into 2 billion pieces of ourselves everyday.....
Society's expectations of us are pretty darn high
Our roles are so highly complex.....whether at work or in our personal lives.....That you would think that we automatically earn and deserve.........wait for it.........REST.
We are famous for having the ability to multi-task......To be able to do it ALL at once.
But it seems we are soooo good at what we do and how we do it......
No one wants us to stop for a moment.
Ever.

It's like we are a different species...And not just human beings who also need AND want AND deserve time ourselves.
To relax....mentally, physically, emotionally.
Not to think....Or to think to my heart's content without interruption...If that's what I want.
To sit and stare at a blank wall all day....If that's what I want.
To dress up...If I want.
To dance in private...If I feel like it.
To stuff myself with (OMG) chocolate and ice cream......If that's what I want.
To expunge.
To exhale.
To let go.

To just have the freedom to BE...........UNINTERRUPTED.

I think that I must be very fortunate because when I got married, I discussed this with my darling husband.
And he totally agreed....And has been very supportive all along in my personal time-out sessions.
It works both ways...
And I am forever grateful.

So I propose a new wave.
The Lioness's Den.
Where every woman is entitled to have her time out.
Where it's OKAY to want to be by yourself.....to be in that mental space.
For a day...or two....or even a week....Or 2 hours, if that's all you can manage.
To do just want you want to do.
To be able to turn your phone off....If you want.
To be able to go shopping by yourself......Uninterrupted.....To purchase things for YOURSELF only.
To go watch whatever movie you want....alone.

To be able to sit and read a book in peace and quiet.
Prepare a meal to your satisfaction.....If cooking is your thing.
To go hiking.....
To sit on your couch all day...If that's what you want.
To take a dance class...once a week........
To imagine you're a princess somewhere....
To do yoga....
Meditate.
What-e-ver.
Without anyone feeling slighted, or wondering what's got into you.

To escape.
To have the freedom to do anything and everything you want to do at that moment, without the clutter of people around you....Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Without ANYONE else demanding anything from you.......for that moment.
Without being called selfish, anti-social, or weird.
To escape......for a little while.
To just be.
In the Lioness's Den.

New Year's Resolution.....

As I mentioned before…
This month has been one of deep introspection.
Firstly because of my birthday happening, and second because it has been the month of Ramadhan.
A month of fasting, of charity, and hopefully increase in piety.

I usually use Ramadhan as my ‘new year’.
Probably because it’s the time that I usually self evaluate.
Each year I give myself a challenge.
To rid myself of a vice and acquire a virtue instead.

Years ago, my goal remained the same for many years.
To learn patience (with myself and others) and self control.
To curb my temper and learn to be more tolerant and compassionate.

Sometimes I was on point, other times I failed miserably.
Each year, I reaffirm those very principles and start a new cycle to master them.
But it’s an ongoing struggle.
It will always be.

However, with this Ramadhan having coming to a close, I feel that I have somewhat done better over the past couple of years with the above and I need to add on a new one on the list.
So here I go.
Exhale.
I am going to try and curb my tongue.
 

I had to pick a super hard one right?!
Oh well, a decade older, a decade wiser! :-)
So maybe I’m ready to try and tackle this one!

It’s so ironic that I was such an introvert as a child.
Aloof, my mother said I was.
I never really voiced my thoughts and opinions.
And now as an adult, I think it’s a challenge to get me to keep quiet!

Looking back I see the several points where all of that changed and how it happened.
Not that it has been a bad thing, I just think there needs to be a level of modification.

A balance point.

As I learnt self confidence, I learnt that it was okay to express myself. Even if my outlook was different from others.
Secondly, while going through medical school, I had to forcefully learn how to talk in front of others.
It was never a challenge to converse with patients.
It was a challenge to speak up in front of colleagues.
Doctors are a super arrogant bunch :-) We are. End of Story.
Ok well, maybe not all. But a good majority!
You have to be confident, and somewhat assertive, for anyone to really take you seriously.
I realized somewhere along the way, that I had not gained the respect of my professional peers, because I never spoke up, and hence people thought I didn’t know anything!
Once I did however start speaking up, it was a new recognition.
I liked it.

So I started talking.
And talking.
And I haven’t stopped!

So this year, my new year’s resolution is to modify my speech.
One of the sayings of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is, if you have nothing good to say, be silent.

THAT is going to be my challenge.
To modify my speech, and keep it positive and productive hopefully.
Not that I now become a door mat and won’t give a tongue lashing to someone who totally deserves it, but I do want to start taking a few seconds to put some measure of thought in my speech.

We live in a world and a time where there is a phenomenal pressure of freedom of speech ideology.
This is a good thing, and a bad thing.
And I’ve seen how people in guise of freedom of speech, have ended up saying the most inappropriate things….At the most inappropriate times….Or even just looked plain stupid.
But they don’t realize it, since they believe they have the freedom of speech.

Listening to other people…the amount of garbage that comes out of people’s mouths is just incredible.

I do not want to be a part of the group.
 

So this has led me to examine myself and undertake this attempt at getting rid of what I see as a vice.
If we want a solution, we have to be part of it.
If I want people to stop saying dumb hurtful or stupid things, I have to be the first one to stop saying dumb hurtful and stupid things myself.

Good manners, which includes good speech, was one of the hallmarks of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).
And so if I’m trying to be a better Muslim, I have to work towards embodying the excellence of character that SHOULD be the hallmark of every Muslim.
THAT is real Islam.
 

God willing I am successful of this new challenge I have given myself, because believe me, we don’t pay too much attention to ALL that we say, but if we really think about it, this is a hard one.
 

A little older, A little wiser :-)
And hopefully a little bit better at being a good human being.