And perhaps I'm starting to believe that a friend of mine might just have been right a few years ago when he told me that I might just have too much testosterone in me..........Lol.
Baby...baby.......and oh baby!
I think the natural inclination for most people.......at least where I come from....is that once you get married, there should be the advent of little ones somewhere along the way.......
And then people talk about all this 'maternal instinct' stuff........hmmmmmmmm.....something that I just don't relate to....
I watch other women coo-coo over babies, or the idea of babies...........and I just have no connection to all of that.I hear other women talk about how much they want to have kids......and I don't really have connection to that intensity of feelings either........
I mean, am I missing something??
Did I miss some training or class while growing up? Lol.
Not that I don't want to ever have 'Mini-Me's' at some point in the future.........but I don't really sit thinking about it....or planning for it.......or yearning for it either.
I like kids.....I really don't mind them...and I actually think I would make a fantastic mother.....
But I also really like the way my life is so far. Lol.
So people would call that being selfish huh?
Sometimes I think it's because we are sooooo attuned to the fact that marriage and kids have to go together......Or that when you reach a 'certain age', you have to be at that point in your life......
But who's to say one size fits all??
I would really like to find out from other women, did they always WANT to have kids???
But, I'm certain that I might not get the honest answers I seek.....because it would be viewed negatively if someone actually came out and said, NO, I really didn't want to have kids, or have these many kids.......It's seen as something bad, so I don't think I'll get the honest responses I seek.
When I was a teenager...I thought boys were stupid (I secretly to some measure still think this).....and I wasn't interested in boys.......and everyone around me was running after some boy or the other, having crushes, relationships, etc etc.........And I didn't want any of that..........I pretended, just so that I could fit in....and so that people wouldn't view me as being weird.......I bet in this day and age, if I was a teenager now and communicated that to people, the natural answer would be perhaps I'm gay..............
But I'm not gay...and I wasn't having any of those thoughts then either.......But I still wasn't like everyone else swooning over some guy.........just like I don't swoon over the idea of babies now.
And so here I am at a later point in life............with a different set of issues......
Are there people who have kids because it's the expected thing to do??
Would anyone ever admit to that???
I see myself as a mother in the future......God Willing.........but just not now........
And I find babies cute......I don't gush over them....but I find them cute (most of them), and some actually delightful....Lol.......
But that doesn't kick in this 'maternal instinct' that I envision.......the thing that people are always talking about. Lol.
Another funny thing is...........everyone always thinks that I don't like kids......I guess because I don't Oooh-Aaah at them like everyone else.......and yet, I actually do enjoy the company of kids.......Just smart, well-behaved ones. Hahahahaha........And ironically, I think kids like me too........and that surprises people.
As women, we are expected to want babies...and dream about prams and booties...or something along those lines......It's set up as the unspoken sphere of womanhood.
So does it make you less of a woman supposedly, if you don't fit that category?
Do people think there's something wrong with you?
When I was single, there was this immense pressure to get married.......but I held out.....until I found Mr. Right.
And then it turned out that people were putting me under a microscope thereafter, because I did not fit the 'Wife' type. lololol.......I guess I don't fit the 'Mom' type either then......
So these magical emotions and bonds that other women have about children, I don't have it.
And I suspect there are other women out there like me...................
But perhaps public censure keeps them wary to speak out their true thoughts.
totally relate Huwie..... :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Lydia:-) Glad that you do!
ReplyDeletehey, first off, taking cues from society is a mistake - considering how messed up society in general is.
ReplyDeleteno one ever got anywhere by following the crowd, it's like you said - marriage came at God's timing and it was worth the wait. i think kids will be the same for you :)
i'd ask myself what then should i be focusing my energies on right now? maybe timing is for you to be into something else, and that's what you should be feeling right now.
i'm pretty sure someday you'll have a full house of kids - both biological and adopted - cause you and hubby are both such giving people, but that will come at its own time. no rush
i don't think not wanting kids - now or ever - should make you feel less of a person or that having kids will magically make you feel whole and complete
that's what i think, anyways :)
You know I agree. Not all women were born to be wives, let alone mothers. And doesn't it bother you the sort of idiots who are trying to become parents?! People who can barely look after themselves...
ReplyDeleteIt may be a natural step to some, and I do respect it, but when thinking of having a child, there are so many things you need to take into account... emotional and financial readiness among so many other things. And as for those who believe having a child can fix problems in a marriage - way to go to put a burden on a tiny not-yet tot!
I find many babies cute... and often have the urge to run off with them... but do I see having them a necessary course in my life. No.
I also don't get why people thinking my wanting to adopt is so strange - 'Don't you want someone of your OWN?' Hello? Doesn't your husband become your own? Being a parent is so much more than providing the raw material, and having a child is more than wanting to carry forward your genetics and memory (way to go about being full of yourself!) Love is love... whether your womb harboured that child, or someone else's. The hard work is when that child is out here with you...
Hope I answered what I was meant to, and didn't go off on too many of my own tangents...
Salaam Alaikum! Great post, saying what a lot of women, especially Muslim women, might be afraid to say. In Islam, a woman's success is often tied to her fertility. If someone hears you've been married a while and don't have children, you're likely to get a pitying "tut-tut" or a concerned hand on the shoulder and a reference to a fertility specialist.
ReplyDeleteI've never been the gushing type myself. Despite my small army of children, I've never felt that I "had" to have kids. I just decided at some point that I wanted them. Allah blessed me with this group, but had He decided to withhold the blessings of children, I would have been okay with that, too.
I am kind of a loner by nature, and sometimes it's very hard to be surrounded by other people all the time, even adorable little people who give me sloppy kisses and tell me they love me. I can absolutely understand any woman who treasures her solitude and her independence, and if a woman is not overwhelmingly maternal and feels no rush to have kids, that's what I call, well, normal.
I always tell people that there are six billion humans on this planet and there is PLENTY of room for individuality. Some women are highly maternal; others less so. Some women are not maternal, but for societal reasons they have kids. Some are very maternal but suffer from infertility. And some just say "if and when I'm ready" and don't really worry about it too much. Normal. Well within the range of normal. The only hard thing is when outsiders don't understand that this is normal and try to put THEIR morals and values onto you.
Well, I'm rambling for this little comment box... perhaps I'll head to my blog in a bit and write more. It'll be dueling blogs - tag, you're it!
If you start feeling maternal and want to see if it's real or not, you can come visit me and see if my horde sends you screaming off into the night :).
Nancy
heheheh so u are thinkin of momyship...O-some!!!!
ReplyDelete@Gracey - :-) haki, thanks for the really kind words dear......and yup, I guess i shall stick to God's time, and leave the children of Adam well alone. lol.
ReplyDelete@Kavi - yeah, you've mentioned something reallllly important....readiness....and true that, i got married when i was ready mentally and emotionally to be a wife. otherwise it would have been a very uphill task prior to that.....
and also true, being a parent is much more than just passing on your genes....i dont see anything wrong with adoption...i often tell Aaron that if we hadn't got married, and a few years down the line i didnt meet the person that i felt would be a good match for me, my plan B was to adopt a child and move on with life.....everyone has their own set of rules.....thanks for the support!:-)
@Nancy - waleikum salam sis....jazakallah kheir for your comment...i think you can understand the pressure we come under....sometimes i feel like avoiding people all together, because thats become like the top 3 questions to be asked right away in conversation! Lolllll.....
ReplyDeleteand yes, especially in muslim societies, you arent yet 'accomplished' until you spring forth a few little ones.......a concept which i also think is very unfair to those who may not be able to have kids naturally.......
but we dont talk about these things do we??
individuality is seen as a very scary concept in the ummah......i dont know why.
what you've said is important sis...and yes, i do feel that anything i have to undertake, i would like to do it well....so if it's motherhood, i feel that i'll undertake it when i'm mentally and emotionally ready to go down that road...its not something i can do and then back out of!:-)
and i am a loner too......i'm lucky to have a hubby who is understanding and gives me my solitude time with no fuss, whether it be i want to go traipsing alone somewhere or stare at a blank wall all day...no questions alhamdulilah....when i think of kids, it's going to be virtually impossible to do things like that, because i'll have conflicting emotions between me and my role as a mother.........
i really appreciated your blog the other day...about sometimes feeling overwhelmed with things, and needing a time out.....
oh, and when i did start feeling maternal, we baby-sat a friends twin girls.......and that maternal instinct died sudden death after that one day!!!! hahahaha.......even hubby was like "i'm not ready for this". lol:-)
waiting for part 2 of this blog from your end!!:-)))
Mr. Rottweiller - sema Bos! lol. we are waiting for yours!:-)
ReplyDelete