As much I analyze and over-analyze other people and situations………
I do the same to myself.
I am not spared my own medicine :-)
And there’s an experience that I would really like to exhale from.
It’s been 2 years since I left the Middle East.
Two years since I left Saudi Arabia.
I actually need to pause and collect my thoughts……………………
I think anyone who knew me at that time, probably knew how miserable I was :-)
I certainly didn’t hide it…
I’m not one to bottle up things anymore.
I did it for around 20 years of my life and it literally made me ill, and I said never again.
What you see, is what you get.
Always.
About Saudi……….
I still remember the day I left.
I felt like a bird being released from a cage. I actually wept with joy on the plane.
It’s not my home.
It’s not my country.
I do not have any family there.
But…………
I am a Muslim.
And 2 out of 3 of the significant places within the history of my faith currently fall within the boundaries of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (the 3rd being Jerusalem).
And for that reason, I feel like I am somehow connected to it.
I certainly have to go back (God Willing) to perform the pilgrimage to Makkah, and for that I am starting to mentally prepare myself.
Living there was something else…
You see, Muslims round the world romanticize Saudi………..
From the religious aspect.
The cities of Makkah and Madinah ARE special.
You feel it in the air.
No one who has ever been there can deny that.
However, beyond that……..we have another thing coming.
And as Muslims we convince ourselves that since it’s our “holy place”, the people will also be ‘Holy’.
The Temperament, Mood, Culture, Mannerisims, Interactions…You name it….We will all be living breathing waking sleeping Islam.
We’ll all love each other like some members of a big commune.
After all, we are all brothers and sisters in the faith.
The teachings of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)…..…Equality, Justice, Kindness, Good manners, Fairness, Peace, Love, Gentleness…..will be pouring out of every street corner.
Rude awakening.
I was angry.
I was disappointed.
I was disgusted.
I felt betrayed.
I was hurt.
I was angry.
To say it was a culture shock would be an understatement.
I was terribly naive and very ill equipped to deal with the system of things there.
It became very apparent to me that I had not previously truly encountered racism, sexism or xenophobia…
And that I had NO coping mechanisms within me for any of those.
So for all of those to come at me at one time………………
Was a bit too much to take.
For a person who is very independent (physically, mentally and financially), fiercely opinionated, and passionately driven career-wise…………
It was a bit too much to take….especially when everyone and everything is set up to make you fit into a tiny little unpretty box.
Conformity has never been a strong point in me.
And certainly their version of what a Black. African. Woman. should be....
Was not me.
And I got maddeningly angrier with other Muslims for telling me that my feelings were unwarranted.
That I shouldn't air them.
That THEY felt betrayed.
That I was giving our "holy place" a bad name.
And so the vicious cycle began and grew.
The bubble had burst with the loudest bang.
Saudi is a country like anywhere else.
With good people…and bad people.
With a corrupt system of things…….
And wayward people…
Just as there are also honest, kind and hard working ones trying to make the best of things and just keep afloat.
And that’s just the thing………..It’s a country just like any other.
It’s not some magical place.
Where no evil exists.
And where Islam is being practiced to its full measure.
That is a facade.
Because at the end of the day, it’s full of human beings, run by human beings and therefore just as easy to fall to folly as anywhere else.
The faith is perfect.
The people claiming to follow the faith are not.
This is not a Saudi-bashing piece.
But personally for me, it’s something I have had to process.
My husband fully believes that I went through some measure of post-traumatic stress disorder due to living there.
And I agree.
And because of all of that, it made me even angrier when fellow Muslims would try to invalidate my experience and feelings.
But none of them sought to understand what it meant and felt to be put in the Black. African. Woman. box.
I’ve had to work on it believe me.
To reconcile my experience there.
As well as process and forgive other fellow Muslims for perpetrating the mirage and try and invalidate the negatives that many experience while there.
When I left there………
I didn’t even want to hear the Arabic language being spoken.
It made me want to literally hurl.
And I’m not exaggerating.
My mood would instantly change……..And I’d get angry with no prompting whatsoever…..
And for a Muslim, that’s deep……because My Holy Book is in Arabic.
The Prophet I love and whose teachings I try to emulate on a daily basis…spoke Arabic.
I will always be connected to the language.
Today at the mosque, an older Arab lady started a conversation with me.
And her English was limited.
We joked a little bit.
Her in her broken English.
Me in my broken Arabic.
And as we laughed, it made me realize.
I am no longer angry :-)
I am a person of faith, and so I do not believe in pure coincidences.
I do not regret making the decision to go there.
It was a learning experience.
One that I required, for whatever reason the Good Lord saw fit.
And so, I know it for what it is.
And I am no longer living in that bubble.
No or low expectations means No disappointments.
Time to move on from that Suburban Barbie :-)
E.x.h.a.l.e.
I do the same to myself.
I am not spared my own medicine :-)
And there’s an experience that I would really like to exhale from.
It’s been 2 years since I left the Middle East.
Two years since I left Saudi Arabia.
I actually need to pause and collect my thoughts……………………
I think anyone who knew me at that time, probably knew how miserable I was :-)
I certainly didn’t hide it…
I’m not one to bottle up things anymore.
I did it for around 20 years of my life and it literally made me ill, and I said never again.
What you see, is what you get.
Always.
About Saudi……….
I still remember the day I left.
I felt like a bird being released from a cage. I actually wept with joy on the plane.
It’s not my home.
It’s not my country.
I do not have any family there.
But…………
I am a Muslim.
And 2 out of 3 of the significant places within the history of my faith currently fall within the boundaries of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (the 3rd being Jerusalem).
And for that reason, I feel like I am somehow connected to it.
I certainly have to go back (God Willing) to perform the pilgrimage to Makkah, and for that I am starting to mentally prepare myself.
Living there was something else…
You see, Muslims round the world romanticize Saudi………..
From the religious aspect.
The cities of Makkah and Madinah ARE special.
You feel it in the air.
No one who has ever been there can deny that.
However, beyond that……..we have another thing coming.
And as Muslims we convince ourselves that since it’s our “holy place”, the people will also be ‘Holy’.
The Temperament, Mood, Culture, Mannerisims, Interactions…You name it….We will all be living breathing waking sleeping Islam.
We’ll all love each other like some members of a big commune.
After all, we are all brothers and sisters in the faith.
The teachings of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)…..…Equality, Justice, Kindness, Good manners, Fairness, Peace, Love, Gentleness…..will be pouring out of every street corner.
Rude awakening.
I was angry.
I was disappointed.
I was disgusted.
I felt betrayed.
I was hurt.
I was angry.
To say it was a culture shock would be an understatement.
I was terribly naive and very ill equipped to deal with the system of things there.
It became very apparent to me that I had not previously truly encountered racism, sexism or xenophobia…
And that I had NO coping mechanisms within me for any of those.
So for all of those to come at me at one time………………
Was a bit too much to take.
For a person who is very independent (physically, mentally and financially), fiercely opinionated, and passionately driven career-wise…………
It was a bit too much to take….especially when everyone and everything is set up to make you fit into a tiny little unpretty box.
Conformity has never been a strong point in me.
And certainly their version of what a Black. African. Woman. should be....
Was not me.
And I got maddeningly angrier with other Muslims for telling me that my feelings were unwarranted.
That I shouldn't air them.
That THEY felt betrayed.
That I was giving our "holy place" a bad name.
And so the vicious cycle began and grew.
The bubble had burst with the loudest bang.
Saudi is a country like anywhere else.
With good people…and bad people.
With a corrupt system of things…….
And wayward people…
Just as there are also honest, kind and hard working ones trying to make the best of things and just keep afloat.
And that’s just the thing………..It’s a country just like any other.
It’s not some magical place.
Where no evil exists.
And where Islam is being practiced to its full measure.
That is a facade.
Because at the end of the day, it’s full of human beings, run by human beings and therefore just as easy to fall to folly as anywhere else.
The faith is perfect.
The people claiming to follow the faith are not.
This is not a Saudi-bashing piece.
But personally for me, it’s something I have had to process.
My husband fully believes that I went through some measure of post-traumatic stress disorder due to living there.
And I agree.
And because of all of that, it made me even angrier when fellow Muslims would try to invalidate my experience and feelings.
But none of them sought to understand what it meant and felt to be put in the Black. African. Woman. box.
I’ve had to work on it believe me.
To reconcile my experience there.
As well as process and forgive other fellow Muslims for perpetrating the mirage and try and invalidate the negatives that many experience while there.
When I left there………
I didn’t even want to hear the Arabic language being spoken.
It made me want to literally hurl.
And I’m not exaggerating.
My mood would instantly change……..And I’d get angry with no prompting whatsoever…..
And for a Muslim, that’s deep……because My Holy Book is in Arabic.
The Prophet I love and whose teachings I try to emulate on a daily basis…spoke Arabic.
I will always be connected to the language.
Today at the mosque, an older Arab lady started a conversation with me.
And her English was limited.
We joked a little bit.
Her in her broken English.
Me in my broken Arabic.
And as we laughed, it made me realize.
I am no longer angry :-)
I do not regret making the decision to go there.
It was a learning experience.
One that I required, for whatever reason the Good Lord saw fit.
And so, I know it for what it is.
And I am no longer living in that bubble.
No or low expectations means No disappointments.
Time to move on from that Suburban Barbie :-)
E.x.h.a.l.e.
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